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Sunday, January 16th, 2011
12:46 am - fuuuuuuuccccccskkkk
So FUCKING SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED!!!!!!!!!!!!
So worked up that I want to cry, scream, and break something.
I hate this because she cannot help, it is not her fault. She just has not touched me in any sexual or romantic way in months. Sure she will hold my hand, scratch my back, scratch my head. She will only close mouth kiss me and only then just pecks. Don't know what to do or say. Can't do or say anything. I just don't feel wanted or needed in a sexual way from her anymore. I feel like a slave who is occasionally shown some feelings but more like a pet.Might cry for a bit and get drunk. Sure way to make sure I sleep and soon. Tired of thinking about this. Going to kill brain and liver cells in an attempt to numb myself from these feelings. It is for my own good. None of this is her fault. It is uncontrollable. Drink to forget. Drink to forgive. Drink to sleep. Drink to feel no more.

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Tuesday, April 6th, 2004
12:05 am
LOVE, n.
A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease, like caries and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.

http://www.alcyone.com/max/lit/devils/l.html

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Monday, April 5th, 2004
9:31 pm - Chances taken and dreams destroyed.
Well now, last night, last night things in my life have changed with the tides of time. Things were said, things that change the outlook on my life, change my dreams, fantasies, my reverie. I said, "We are friends, and have gotten to know eachother alot better. I would be lying if I told you that I am not at all attracted to you. The other night when I was brushing your hair, it took alot for me not to kiss you. I don't want things to change, I like being friends with you, and I dont want things to get weird, ya know." (I am trying my hardest to remember everything that happened exactally so itmight not all be word for word.) Then she said, "What do you want me to say?" and I said "I don't know." We sat there for a bit, akward silence. Then she said, "Wanna go listen to Miles Davis.", so we did. We sat there for a bit, then started talking again about our views on relationships. She said, "I think our views are different when it comes to relationships, your more of an old-fashioned approach on it. Chivalrous, and monogamous. We are both die hard romantics, but in different ways. I don't want to get married, and I don't want to have children. Monagamy, I do not like, it is too much of an ownership issue, one peson owning another." So things are hopefully not going to change, even though they always do. I left her house at 4:00 We parted with a hug, it felt good, the hug, but knowing it would probably be nothing more than friendship, friendship, I like our friendship, but the dream of something more, that is dead.

"Grey would be the color, if I had a heart." - NIN

current mood: crappy

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Sunday, April 4th, 2004
8:04 pm - Frustrations Galore!
So, I have not updated in awhile, and the reason why I am now, is once again I need to vent.

Last night, I went to her house and hung out, Elizabeth. I really do like her, quite alot. Anyway, we were hanging out, and getting fucked up, well, when one thing led to another and we kept touching one another, we couldt help ourselves, nothing like explicit, or diety, just ya know, foot rubs, back rubs, just rubbing on eacothers arms, stuff like that. My problem is that I do not know how she feels about me. Well, then she got her brush and asked me if I wanted to brush her hair, which I did, well the way we were sitting she was facing me, and I was sitting there brushing her hair and running my hands along her hair and neck and I could honeslty tell that she was really enjoying it. Well she had her eyes closed, biting her lower lip, and my lips were mere inces away from hers.......and I let the moment pass. Why? Because I am a moron, who is filed with self-doubt. I should have kissed her, let her know how I felt, right there and then, hopefully, hopefully, I will get another chance to let her know how i truly feel. Next time I get that chance, i am going to take it.

current mood: crushed

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Wednesday, March 10th, 2004
12:32 am - Drunken Ramblings.
My friend Bob just came up with a very good quote.

"Love is like a quote with out a punchline."

I think it is the truth, I am so tired of the thing known as love or the feelings supposedly associatined with it. Maybe it is not love but these felloings suck balls, not the normal ones, big sweaty hairy ones, prisoner rapest balls. Yea, I fuking hat the concept of so called love and those feelings that may not be love but make you fucking stupid like love. So damn fucked up right now. Hard to type when drinking, I am glad I have stopped, I might go home in a little while. These people are very loud. Why did I have to start talking about her, it always makes me drink more or feel like drinking. Goddamned fucking feelings and shit. This pisswes me off, these gos=ddamed fellings of of want yet right there is myy self doubt and then after that comes the realization that I had the other day that I will never have what I want. Well mabe not want but maybe it is what I would like to have, or maybe just what I would like to have. I hate being a sad bastArd half of the time. FUCK! I think I am going to stop rambkling now and go and lay down and hompfully go home to my own bed in a little buit. Later all and ya know what, FUCK THESE SO CALLED FEELINGS! I WISH I COULD BLOCK THEM FROM MY MIND FOREVER!!!

current mood: contemplative

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Friday, March 5th, 2004
12:10 am - Realization.
The other night I had a dream. A dream about her. Elizabeth. I do not understand why I can not stop thinking about her, why I am so attracted to her, and why her image haunts my dreams as well. In this dream there was nothing dirty about it, nothing sexual, nothing quite like most would expect from someone my age. No, the dream was kind of, perfect. She just noticed me, more than what she does. Sure we are friends and we can talk, but not like she has with this other guy, I will just call him M for short. They are close, not "dating" or "seeing eachother" but one can just tell by the way they are around eachother, they have something there, a spark, something I will never have with her. That is what my dream was, the spark, we had it. It was glourious. It was perfect. It was just a dream. When I awoke, part of me was crushed, never to be the same again. It was self realization. I will never have that with her, ever. It is me, I will never be what she wants, all I will ever be is boring, old me. The responsible one, the dependable one, the BORING one. She is something that I can never have, to quote the great Trent. Not that I think of her as something to own. I think of her as something, no, someone who will never return the feelings I have towards her. She will never reciprocate. So now, I have realised this, thanks to the dream. That is all I will ever have, my dreams, my fantasies, my . . . reverie.

current mood: crushed

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Thursday, February 26th, 2004
11:53 pm - Feelings of anxiety.
Warning, I am ranting and raving trying to let loose some emotions that welled up.

I am not going to go too indepth with why I feel this way but if you want to know, ask.

Right now, I am feeling nervousness with anxiety and apprihention. I don't particulalry like these feelings but I guess I have to deal with them for certain reasons. On top of all of that, I was put in an uncomfortable position because of something that occured, and I wanted to scream, to tell the truth, but could not, I could not let my secret be known. For I beleive that unsaid person might know the truth but is wanting to hear it from my own mouth but I cannot say, it is not my place, not yet, I am still very timid as a person. I just am at a loss of what to think. God I want to tell this person, this one thing, to finally get it off of my chest, to unhinder this burdon from my back, but alas I must carry this weight with me, probably forever, for I do not know what the concequences would be and I dont want to think of all the bad that could come of it. I know I am speakingin riddles and circles, but that is for my own protection. I wish I could shout this from the mountain top but I find it caught in my throat. Something dying to escape my brused and beaten body but I cannot allow it to escape, if it does, it holds the ramifications of destroying my entire world.

All of this happened very quickly, I wanted to post this inorder to let these feelings go, I can not tell what needs to be said but if I allowed this, my personal feelings on this subject out onto something like LJ, I would feel better and I do, feel a little better.

current mood: crazy

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Monday, October 20th, 2003
7:06 pm - Liquor.
I have gotten my self in another sad bastard mood again.

I NEED LIQUOR!!!!!!

current mood: depressed

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Saturday, August 23rd, 2003
2:03 pm - FUCK!!!
LIFE SUCKS THEN YOU DIE!

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Friday, April 25th, 2003
4:06 pm - Scotch.....
I don't know why but scotch has this really weird effect on me.
It calms me and makes me forget about my problems.
Some times I wish I could drink all of my problems away.
I know I can not, even though I wish to escape from this realitly. This so called reality in wich I pine, weep, and wish for a better future.
A better relationship, a better everything.
I will have to settle for a world in wich I do not want to be in.
At least I do have some friends who help me along the way, and scotch to calm me down.

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Sunday, April 20th, 2003
4:17 pm - I AM A SAD BASTARD!!!!!!
Once again my own inner turmoil has turned me into a sad bastard.
As I sat there at work, bored out of my mind, the thoughts were able to escape the block that I had put on them. They came rushing at me at full tilt. It hurt like a ton of bricks just hit a 4 in square on my chest. All the pain I cause myself. I realise this. But yet I am powerless against myself. I am doing better though, I think. I am just tired of everything. I am tired of life. I am tired of being a human. Why couldn't I be born a robot, or a zombie. Then I wouldn't be effected my silly emotions. But honestly I am just tired. I am getting tired of my girlfriend, school, and work. At the moment, they are the three things that are dominating my life. I need an escape. I need a smoke.
I am getting tired of my girlfriend. She is getting to the point where she is annoying. And everytime I am with her I can tell that our thoughts are a million miles apart. I think it might be because we are always around eachother or it could be that we are finally seeing the true form of ourselves. I dunno, it is probably just me being in a sad bastard mood.

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Monday, April 14th, 2003
1:42 am - No sleep.......
The comfort of a dream world will not come to me tonight for some reason. The comfort of sleep in general will not lay its all curing hand upon my shoulder. All these thoughts, emotions, pain, and numbness are coursing through my veins as I type this. I just want to forget all of these thoughts like I have done in the past. I find it growing harder and harder with each passing day. If I keep this up I will become an insomniac like Edward Norton's charachter in Fight Club. Red and blue seconals....thats what I need.....or a drink. The pain will drive me mad if I cannot figure out how to make it subside.I JUST WANT TO SLEEP AND BLOCK THESE INFERNAL THOUGHTS FROM MY HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!

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1:14 am - Pain.....
This emotional pain. It hurts.
Not just on the inside anymore.
No.
It physically hurt.
It hurts to the point where I cannot sleep.
I need something to take the pain away.
I might read a little while.
See if it can't helpp block the pain out.
I am tired. I need sleep.
Sleep.

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12:25 am - Numbness and pain....if thats possible..........
Numbness, as it settles into my bones. I feel so alone right now I wish I could cry but alas I cannot. The tears which I want to fall, the release of emotions built up inside of me, will not break the gate I have constructed in my mind. So the numbness is settleing in slowly but surely. I must keep reminding myself, "Only a few more weeks!" That shall become my mantra. It shall help keep me sane in my time or turmoil. Yes, suicide has crossed my mind but I am too smart for that. I realize it would not fix anything, it would only end me and make problems for my loved ones. Sure my pain would be gone but in the act of selfishness others would have problems grow. I know, some might look at me and say "What is his problem? He has a good life?" Well it isn't all good. I am human. Things effect me in ways that people don't understand. I wish to always protect the ones I love but I worry who will be there to protct me from myself. That who is hurting me the most right now. Me. And there is nothing I can do about it. I have been to my share of funerals in my short pathetic life but no weddings. The two events in someones life. The happiest and saddest moments. Not one wedding. I cried at my first funeral. But from there on in I have not cried at one since. I have been training myself my entire life. I have followed by the saying of "Never show your enemy weakness." I have bottled up all these emotions and they are causing me pain and depression. The numbness. It is an all too well known feeling to me. As I sit and think about all this the tears still do not fall. I wish I could cry. Then maybe I would feel something more than this numbness. This feeling I know all too well I loathe. And I am powerless against it. It is my one weakness. There is nothing I can do about it, I just have to let it past. I cannot fight it. It has no shape or form. It is me. These feelings make me want to drink. Maybe that is why I have been craving some so much here lately. I need a good stiff drink. I need to let loose and try and forget about all of my problems. I need a smoke right now also. I need something to kill the pain, the numbness, the agony of self-realization. I am a weak person. I may seem strong but there are my moments when I am so weak, wishing for tears, alcohol, cigaretts, something to take the pain away. "Just a few more weeks." I know. I am a sily sad bastard right now. But at least this LJ is giving me a way to release all of these emotions. I wish I could fly, far away from here at times. I am so tired. Tired of everything. I hear sleep calling me. Yes. Sleep. It cannot get me in my dreams. There I am untouchable to the numbness and the pain. I am free to leave this plain of existence, to go and be happy without any worries. To love and be loved in return. My girlfriend has not been very understanding here lately. In my dreams, my love will be returned. But now I am babling. Sleep sounds nice. Tomorrow I will put a smile on for the entire human race and go throughout each class oblivious to my surroundings and daydream, of something more than this "So-Called" life as we know it. Sleep for now, tomorrow may be better. Yes, tomorrow may be. Sleep.

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Friday, April 11th, 2003
7:02 pm - WOMEN!!!!!!!
AHHHRRRRGGGG!!!!
I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WOMEN!!!!!!
They bitch about a problem and then you give them honest to god good advice and they ingore it and get all depressed and pissy. It is times like these that I just want to scream at the top of my lungs......
I FUCKING HATE WOMEN!!!!!!!
FUCK!!!!FUCK!!!!FUCK!!!!!FUCK!!!!!FUCK!!!!!!FUCK!!!!!
HOLY SHIT GOD DAMN, SHE WONT LISTEN TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHY IN THE FUCK WONT SHE LISTEN TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCKING WOMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUUUUCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Thursday, April 3rd, 2003
4:54 pm - Again......the pain......
I don't know why or how....but it has happened again.
I have myself in a state of depression. What makes it the worst is that I realise I have a good life. A little cash, a girlfriend who loves me, school, a car, good friends. What else could a lucky guy like me ask for. I have no clue why but this one thing keeps nagging at the cortex of my brain. Love. As I have stated, yes I have a girlfriend who tells me everyday she loves me and I love her too. It's just....well.....how can I explain it.....I want True Love. Cheesy ain't it. I want the love where you no longer have to use words to hold a conversation. Where both people in the relationship actually listen, intently to eachother instead of waiting for their turn to speak. Where both members of the relationship couldn't stand to live without eachother. There is more but I am already getting tired of explaining myself. I love my girlfriend with all my heart.....but we just don't have...in my opinion...true love. It sounds silly, I may as well keep dreaming, but I can hope and pray and wish for the day I find that person but it saddens me to no end knowing that maybe I have missed the oportunity being with my girlfriend right now, but I do truly love her it's just, I wish we had a stronger relationship. Maybe I am just talking out of my ass, maybe I am just a little depressed and that is the reason why I am thinking like this. That is probably what it is. I am just being a sad bastard at the moment. No worries, eh.

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Wednesday, April 2nd, 2003
12:12 am - Wise Words of the Day!
A journey of a thousand footsteps starts with one step

I forget who stated that but they never walked in my shoes...... especially here recently. Hopefully my muse will come back to me and I will be posting some poetry soon. Peace out for now.

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Tuesday, April 1st, 2003
12:53 am - No news is good news......
So far there is not happening much in my life at the moment.
So I will spare the boregasam.
Just this once.

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12:44 am - Test.
1
2
3
People Suck!!!

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